Come As You Are
Emily Nagoski · 2015
Come As You Are (2015) is a book by Emily Nagoski on The science of sexual desire. Sex educator Emily Nagoski translates the science of desire into one liberating idea: you are already whole and normal. The problem is rarely a broken body, it's an unaddressed context, and shame is the real brake.
The rare sex-science book whose real message is that nothing about you needs fixing, you just need to understand and tend the context your sexuality actually runs on.
Three of the ideas you’ll keep
The Clif summary of Come As You Are pulls out 7 insights. Here are the first three.
- Your sexuality runs on a dual control model: a Sexual Excitation System (the accelerator) that notices turn-ons, and a Sexual Inhibition System (the brakes) that notices reasons to stop. Most problems are over-sensitive brakes, not a weak accelerator.
- Context decides everything. The identical sensation is delightful or awful depending on the state of your brain and situation, sex is like tickling: wonderful from a trusted lover, unbearable from a stranger.
- Arousal nonconcordance means genital response measures 'sexual relevance,' not wanting. Nagoski's popular shorthand is roughly 50% overlap in men and about 10% in women. Lubrication is not causation, and never evidence of consent.
The other 4 — and the full 11-minute summary — are in the app.
What’s inside: 9 chapters
The whole summary runs about 11 minutes, read or listened to.
- You Are Normal
- No Two Alike: The Anatomy Myth
- The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality
- Context and Core Affect
- Sex in a Monkey Brain: Stress and Love
- A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World
- Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation
- Desire Is Not a Drive
- Ecstasy for Everybody: Confidence and Joy
Finish Come As You Are tonight.
Read or listen to the full summary in about 11 minutes, then keep the ideas with a minute of review a day. Start with the 2-minute quiz — no card required.
Close to Come As You Are
-
Mating in Captivity Esther Perel Acclaimed exploration of sustaining desire and intimacy within long-term commitment. -
Altered Traits Daniel Goleman and Richard Davidson A well-known evidence-based look at what meditation actually does to the brain and behavior. -
Exercised Daniel E. Lieberman A Harvard evolutionary biologist dismantles gym guilt by proving your urge to skip the workout is ancient wisdom, and why you… -
How Emotions Are Made Lisa Feldman Barrett The book that dismantles the "fear center" and proves your brain doesn't detect emotions, it builds them. -
Why Buddhism Is True Robert Wright A bestselling, accessible case for mindfulness meditation grounded in psychology and evolution. -
Why We Meditate Daniel Goleman and Tsoknyi Rinpoche A modern, accessible guide pairing meditation science with practical techniques from a renowned author.