His Needs, Her Needs
Willard F. Harley Jr. · 1986
His Needs, Her Needs (1986) is a book by Willard F. Harley Jr. on relationships & connection. Marriage counselor Willard Harley argues that affairs begin not with bad people but with unmet emotional needs. He identifies the top five needs of husbands and wives and shows how meeting them makes a marriage affair-proof.
A marriage counselor's blunt, field-tested map of the ten emotional needs whose neglect quietly opens the door to affairs, and whose fulfillment makes a spouse irreplaceable.
Two of the ideas you’ll keep
The Clif summary of His Needs, Her Needs pulls out 7 insights. Here are the first two.
- Every spouse keeps an emotional **Love Bank**: each interaction deposits or withdraws 'love units,' and the person with the largest positive balance becomes the one you feel 'in love' with, which is why affairs form when a coworker out-deposits a neglectful spouse.
- Harley identifies **ten emotional needs**, and men and women typically rank them differently: the five most husbands cite are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration, needs wives often underestimate.
The other 5 — and the full 11-minute summary — are in the app.
What’s inside: 8 chapters
The whole summary runs about 11 minutes, read or listened to.
- How Affairs Begin: The Myth of the Unfaithful Spouse
- The Love Bank: How Feelings Get Deposited and Withdrawn
- His Needs, Her Needs: Ten Needs, Ranked Differently
- Affection and Sexual Fulfillment: The Two That Get Confused
- Conversation and Recreational Companionship
- Honesty, Openness, and an Attractive Spouse
- Domestic Support, Financial Support, and Family Commitment
- The Policy of Undivided Attention: Making It Practical
Finish His Needs, Her Needs tonight.
Read or listen to the full summary in about 11 minutes, then keep the ideas with a minute of review a day. Start with the 2-minute quiz — no card required.
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